I know I act crazy. I know I am eccentric. I don't understand my reactions sometimes. Oh sometimes my rabbits are three legged, even if I can't prove it. I hold to memories more than I should, even when I shouldn't be.
School days have been the most happiest time of my life. Even if it was not perfect. Even if I wasn't the most popular or the most scoring student. In fact I was one of those geeks when being a geek was not as cool as now(and still I am one), Ms. Goody two shoes for others (which I was not then, nor now), crazy girl who read and wrote stuff (weirdo) and didn't mind to voice her opinion wherever needed (arrogant). Being talkative didn't help either. Geeky and goody shoes are never a good combo. There were days when the boys and few girls thought I was a bully and a snitch and there a few who still think so. I mean they think I still was. They never got to know who I was and I didn't bother to show them I wasn't. It didn't matter what they thought - then and now.
Still they were the best of days. I did what I wanted to, after I did what I had to. Scored enough to keep my parents happy, chattered enough to keep my friends happy and read and wrote enough to keep me occupied. I entered into high school without much hope as I was leaving behind everyone of my close friends. Made new friends as the year rolled on, lost a few and few just dropped out. The geeky girl still wrote and read like mad, argued and fought several mini battles, notoriously talked her way through most the classes. Things like ranks and scores, special classes and homeworks didn't matter, as much as the games and swimming classes, or the fights and crushes did. Friends from the extreme poles - well settled among others yet never stopped to surprise or irk the others. Weird, quirky or sensitive sides of a few friends were brought out by a long tour which made me realize how well I survive loneliness and these new situations. The final years of the school mostly moulded me into what I am now, fortunately or not. That is what I would like to be frozen and carved in my memories. And those are the people I want in my life.
Eons have rolled after those days, yet those who count stay in my life. Or rather stayed, yeah till a while ago. People change, for good or bad or just plain different. Today I wake up and see that those people are nothing like the kids I grew up with. I still love those kids but do I love these people they have grown into? Can I?
Nope I can't. I decided that a few days ago, after a couple of really close relationships and complicated scenarios. I know really nothing about these new people, and probably they know nothing about me. But I hate that these people are replacing the old memories fast. The good with bad ones. I would very much be happy with the cheerful loud mouthed friend than what she is now. I don't judge what she is now, for I really don't know her anymore. But I do miss that girl a lot and I don't want to think of this new person when I think of her. I know I sound crazy, but those are the minute strings I am clutching upon to save my remnant sanity. I would give anything to get back the uncomplicated relationships I had with them, the ones with lesser affection and care. When it didn't hurt back to hurt them. When you didn't expect anything in return than a smile or a chatter. When it wouldn't have mattered if they forgot your birthday, but they never did.
Sometimes the people in your memory are better and closer than the ones in real life. It is better to hang on to them for they never hurt. For they never would let you miss them. For memories are more real than they would ever be. So I am choosing the ghosts of the past life to haunt me and be cherished. I am choosing not to overwrite my memories. I am choosing memories over people. Here on, you probably wont be getting those incessant messages from me on whatsapp or facebook or elsewhere too. And I wont be letting you spoil my memories. I choose to be happy and letting complicated relationships go. I QUIT.
Labels: 2013, My Life, rantings